Who doesn't like Mr Men?

Everyone loves the Mr Men series of books by Roger Hargreaves, so much so that the charedim have begun publishing suitable Mr Men books for their own community. The Charedi Foreign Service to the Outside World (CFSOW) announced that Mr Men books are now acceptable to read if they have the Kosher V'yosher hechsher symbol, however, if they contain the Kosher Australia symbol they are not acceptable and must be put in charem, along with Rambam's Moreh Nevuchim.

When I approached the charedi foreign minister regarding why these new publications were acceptable, he responded that these books would contain no depictions of females. Moreover, the 'Little Miss' series will no longer be published for it advocates pritzus or any books which denote bad middos, for instance 'Mr Angry'.

What I am most shocked about is that the charedim are willing to publish a book without a haskomoh, an ‘approval’ from a godal hador, a leader of our generation. Maybe the charedi world is finally moving forward.

For those who appreciate the show Mad Men and Mr Men books, this may not preclude charedim, may want to check out the new Mr Draper book, a new series from Mr Men…http://www.thepoke.co.uk/index.php/2010/10/26/mad-men-mr-men/

Landscape Stupidity

I ordered a book online and it arrived this morning. I ran downstairs eagerly, I ripped open the package and this is what I saw. 

It looked perfect, a cheap publication of an old classic. However when I opened it, this is what I saw. I was shocked and appalled. It has to be the dumbest thing I have ever experienced. Just last week a girl in my tutorial at uni asked "is the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Rome or Pisa?" This was worse. Let's take a look at what I saw...

A book in landscape! Useless. On the first page there was an explanation, "the patent pending landscape reading format...gives you the freedom to lie in any comfortable position and hold or rest your book in a way that best suits your preference...curl your body around it. Cradle it in your hands, and your...in complete comfort..." 

I do not think anyone ever struggled reading a normal book, i manage to "...lie in any comfortable position and hold or rest your book in a way that best suits your preference...curl your body around it. Cradle it in your hands, and your...in complete comfort..." Additionally, it sounds really sexual. "...lie in any comfortable position and hold or rest...in a way that best suits your preference...curl your body around it. Cradle it in your hands, and your...in complete comfort..."

This new concept of publishing in landscape is a complete breach of tradition. It has been argued that it is worse than ebooks, kindles and the like. 

Jews love religious articles

We love talking about religion. Not only speaking about it but also showing our friends the new chanukiah we received, the Kiddush cup and the tallit with sparkly silver along the top, moreover, we love receiving new kippot. I can tell you that I am very proud of my collection.

It is interesting to note that charedim started out by wearing kippot srugot, however, as time progressed they became more and more introverted, in other words, scared of women, consequently, leading to a closed society throwing stones and acid at scantily clad women…by scantily clad women, I mean Modern Orthodox girls. 

We also love Sukkot. Choosing the biggest lulav, the juiciest etrog the most machmir Succa. Simply, Jews love it. So much so that some Jews do not eat or drink anything outside of the Succa. I was never that frum.

However, we hate physical labour, not only physical labour but also anything which demands some effort without any academic or immediate reward or gratification.

Since Jewish women were emancipated the kippah industry has suffered…or at least until now.

A side note: fair enough! Why should girls crochet kippot when we don’t do much back. Apparently, we do not even ask girls out in this community. That’s why we have sherut girls; to ask out or just for the kippah – whatever does it for you.

Palestinian women have now joined the ranks of non-Jewish Succa builders, they are making one of the most obvious symbols of Jewishness - the kippah.

"There are over 100 women in our village alone," says Mrs Abdul Radwan. We make around 1,000 kippot a week."

"We have some kippot made by Palestinians," says Itzik Sheler, a little sheepishly, who works at the Kippa Man store on the market's main street. They are not as cheap as the Chinese-made ones, but they are cheaper than those made by Israelis."

All this comes to reiterate my point. Jews hate physical labour, or anything really, which has no immediate results, yet, we love our Judaica and were bloody proud Jews…this is all true unless you’re a settler - they struggled to restrain themselves during the 10 month freeze. 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall…

In a number of religious communities in Melbourne it is common that a university student or another member of the congregation gives over a dvar torah during davening over shabbat and during the week. Recently, after a series of meetings conducted by COSV (Council of Orthodox Synagogues) it has been decided that it is best if the presenter reads or speaks Hebrew, he should do so with an ashkenasis accent.

There has been outcry over this decision simply because of the difficulty changing from our regular daily lives – jeans and a tee – to reading like a haredi. It has been said that the way we dress impacts on the type of people we are. I never agreed with that until COSV passed this ruling and as we all know we cannot question anything rabbis say. Apparently it’s a halacha, something called daas torah, yet, I am still trying to find the base of this ‘halacha’. 

I took the liberty of approaching the rabbis on this issue. I can understand why they ask religious Jews to refrain from touching the opposite sex, nevertheless, I believed that changing to an ashkenasis accent was unacceptable and the antithesis of Modern Orthodox theology and thought.

In truth I understood that it was not the antithesis of Modern Orthodox thought, however, something needed to be done.

After much discussion and argument with a certain rabbi who will remain nameless, lets call him Rabbi X, admitted that Judaism is unquestionably about image and the outward manifestations of Judaism. He furthered this point by posing a rhetorical question which I will quote here, “why do you think I’m shomer shabbos?”

Rabbi X claimed that he had always wanted to achieve respect and acknowledgment in the haredi community. He told me that currently the Haredim thought he was a joke and that they called him Modern Fauxadox.

Rabbi X thought that by changing the accent when teaching words of Torah it would change the haredi perception. Sadly it has.  

Please God make me a secret agent

I really do enjoy the legitimate fluidity of halacha within the Modern Orthodox world. I find it fascinating how halacha adapts to the human condition and to a certain degree also takes emotion into account. However, there still is a long way to go. In Modern Orthodox yeshivot and midrashoth rabbis believe platonic friendships do not exist and that single girls are the physical manifestation of the devil.

It is interesting to note that while in these institutions relationships and friendship are mostly disapproved of, however, once one has left, yichud and shomer negia are no longer issues and kashrut is back in fashion and the talk of the town.  It is probably the single most discussed issue at the moment.

I have always wanted to be a secret agent. For a while as a child I was seriously considering becoming an astronaut, but I decided against it. I do not want to take the risk of starting a family in space. It is simply too restrictive, not to mention the issues with Shabbat and kashrut!

All boys have looked at the life of James Bond and Wolfgang Lotz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfgang_Lotz, there’s also a book published about his life and exploits) and fantasised about the fast cars, the women and the licence to kill. I am sure that a secret agent’s life is not that adventurous, however, rabbis in Israel have permitted secret agents to have sex with a terrorist for operational purposes! Rabbi Shvat, the author of this study, wrote that “not only is it permissible but the sages raise that action of devotion to the top of the pyramid of halachic priorities as the most important mitzvah of all.” Incredible! There is no doubt that we are living in messianic times.

I cannot imagine the Haredim joining the Mossad yet, but it’s a start. The rabbis will come round.

Below is an application for a job with the Mossad.

https://www.mossad.gov.il/Eng/recruit/Register/PersonalDetails.aspx

Below is the study on Ynet.

http://www.ynet.co.il/english/articles/0,7340,L-3963762,00.html

Mixed seating at weddings is frowned upon but having sex for the sake of national security. Sign me up. 

The Burqa Ban

Last month France’s Senate passed the burqa ban which is due to come into force next year. President Nicolas Sarkozy’s government promoted the law as a means to protect women from being forced to wear Muslim full-face veils such as the burqa or the niqab.

Australia is following suit.

Australia is setting the foundations to pass legislation banning synagogues from separating men and women during prayers. Furthermore, they are legally enforcing equality in regard to everything religious. You will now hear beautiful women’s voices emanating from the former men’s section. Julia Gillard announced that this new legislation is a means to protect women from being forced or relegated to the darker and dingier parts of the synagogue. As well as preventing men from subduing women, their ideas and voices. The Jewish community asked Miss Gillard if she was willing to negotiate. Unfortunately, she did not understand what the Jewish community asked for. 

a bit of an intro

Good morning and good evening to all my worldwide readers...on second thoughts I think that is a bit ambitious. Currently I am writing this for no-one. Let's see how long it takes for people to read, comment and hopefully guest post. Deep down, everyone wants to make fun of communal and social norms and I am creating the perfect, safe and fun opportunity to do so.

You are probably thinking what a clever title for a blog. It's catchy, 'communal satire group' and it can be summed up by saying that your reading the CSG blog. People with egos will have the same reaction, "I am so impressed, in dire times like these with terrorists roaming the streets of Caulfield, I now feel safer being able to read about CSG's exploits in the field of counter terrorism." If you expect that response leave the blog now, I would not want to rupture your ego. If I still have a readership keep reading.

This blog was founded as a means to satirise and simply make fun of communal norms.

Listed below are some of my many goals and missions for the upcoming year.

1. Convince synagogues in the area to pay upwards of $1 million a year to fund an orthodox fire brigade. We would operate within the confines of halacha. That includes, only married fire-men. It is our policy to avoid at all costs non married men touching single girls during a rescue operation (known as an op.). This is a blatant disregard of halacha which can be avoided. Also, we will not be working shabbat and yomtov due to driving and touching things which are deemed mukzah. I will be posting a business plan in the next few weeks.

2. Getting my gun license so I can protect myself for the 150 meters from my home until I arrive in the vision of the CSG counter-terrorism team.

Also, on occasion I will write something on politics, history and the like.