OMG! The Romans are coming!

Jerusalem. The religious and spiritual centre of the Jewish People

After two years at the helm of the Community Security Group (CSG) I would like to wish Amit Bar Giora success in his future endeavors. Bar Giora joined the CSG in November 2008, however, he will be leaving the security organization in March next year, nevertheless, he hopes to continue working in the field. (Jewish News, December 10, 2010)

Although this is irrelevant to this post, I have applied for the position. I cannot release much information regarding the excruciating interview vetting process, but what I can say is when they asked me if I had any prior security experience I responded that unfortunately I did not, however, I told them that my ego will grow, subsequently, allowing me extra-ordinary strength to arrest terrorists and look under seats in shule.

When I read the stories regarding the extraordinary exploits of Amit Bar Giora, I was in awe of the man. However, something was nagging me. Later, it occurred to me that Shimon Bar Giora was a leader of revolutionary forces during the First Jewish-Roman War in the 1st century Judea. There are two options. First, it was pure chance that Amit Bar Giora became the head of the CSG in Melbourne, or secondly, which is more probable is that he equates the importance of the CSG to the war against the Romans.

Melbourne...gotta love the culture!

I know the CSG makes a living by selling fear to the masses but seriously, equating the Melbourne security situation to the war against the Romans!

Lets take a look at the Jewish-Roman war. The Romans tried to destroy us, not only physically but also spiritually. They wanted to destroy Judaism. Where is the comparison to Melbourne?

May the Jews win!

For the record Simon Bar Giora died in 70 CE.

It will be a snowy Christmas in Israel

I want to point out the volatile nature of Israel’s political situation. I am sure you have all heard the words ‘volatile’, ‘Middle East’, ‘political situation’ and ‘Israel’ in the same sentence many times. Nevertheless, Israel’s dire political state is not the only volatile and mercurial factor in her existence. The weather is more unpredictable than Syria, Iran and Lebanon. Just look back to the Six Day War, we predicted the actions of those countries and fortunately launched a preemptive strike. Unfortunately, the recent weather got the better of us.

Last week, a fire blazed in the hills of the Carmel. 42 innocent lives were lost. Days later the country raised from the devastation and rejoiced in the snow covered plains of Yehuda. This is one of the reasons why the Jewish people have prevailed over the millennia, an insight into the intrinsic character of the Jewish people. 

I have been drinking this for 3 months with no results, I think i might sue...what has the religious world come to?

I apologise for flooding my blog with images, nevertheless this one was too good to pass up.

No Jew would have ever fallen for such 'holy wine' in pre-war Europe. What has the religious world come to? Anyone who would have tried to sell this stuff would have been thrown out of the beit midrash for good reason. It is incredible, we now see great Torah scholars doing things that until now only hasidic rebbes did. However. it would be more incredible to see the reverse, that is, to see hasidic rebbes write seforim on Shas and poskim.



Just a side point. Do you think the Rebbe in the photo maintained his kavanah during the photoshoot?

(The image was taken from an article by Marc B. Shapiro)

"we are all individuals..." "i'm not"

Archeology v. Religion

There has always been tension between archeology and religion. Archeology opposes many of the stories in the Torah.  As Ahad Ha’Am (Asher Tzvi Ginsberg) writes it is irrelevant whether the stories in the Torah happened, the fact is that those stories form the fundamentals of the Jewish tradition, irrelevant of where the truth lies. Nevertheless, the orthodox world does not agree with his analysis and understanding regarding the truth of the Torah. 

Recently, Israeli Archaeologists have found the remains of Avraham Avinu and his wife Sara’s house, belongings and tent, which was open on all four sides. Initially, this was embraced by the orthodox world, however, since the discovery of Sara’s garb a rift has developed in the Jewish world. After much examination of the clothing archaeologists are now claiming that Sara’s dress finished half way down her thigh, not even within a ‘tefach’ of her knee. While this has been embraced by left wing orthodoxy, the more conservative groups within Judaism cannot fathom that Sara Imaynu would go against a God given commandment of dressing modestly especially when immoral idol worshippers were roaming the desert.  

Does anyone understand the connection?

When interviewed, Rabbi Elyashiv Baskinovitch stated, “archeology is fraudulent and the Zionist army is behind these counterfeiting measures to undermine true Torah Judaism.”  He furthered his point by saying that it is a known fact that “Sara received the best shidduch at the time, Avrohom, and she would have never been set up with him if her skirt was too short. Simply, she was an ‘adele maidel’.”

In response to this, Rabbi Channan Amit stated that “modesty is relative to the way other women dressed in society.” Furthering his argument, Amit emphasized that the Torah would not have written about pregnancy, relationships and concubines if women’s dresses were too long. As Lot said to Avraham “the longer the dress gets, the frummer the girl, the frummer the girl the more asexual she becomes.” This statement is truer today than ever before.

Unfortunately nothing will change. Artscoll and Feldheim will still publish their books on halacha, which demands that girls have to wear masks due to the laws of modesty. Sara’s mask has not been found. 

Shulchan Aruch HaChadash

I have decided to re-publish the Shulchan Aruch. It sounds unnecessary since the Haredim already have a monopoly on the publication of religious books, however I can offer something they cannot, a haskomoh which embraces modernity and gives over a relevant message. When one opens the this new publication of the Shulchan Aruch the song 'The Times they are a-Changin' by Bob Dylan will play. 

An adapted version of the lyrics are below.

Come gather ’round people

Wherever you roam

And admit that the Torah

Around you have grown

And accept it that soon

You’ll be drenched to the bone

If your Torah to you is worth savin’

Then you better start changin’ or you’ll fry out like a blaze

For the times they are a-changin’

Come rabbis and scholars

Who prophesize with your pen

And keep your eyes wide

The chance won’t come again

And don’t speak too soon

For the wheel’s still in spin

And there’s no tellin’ who that it’s namin’

For the loser now will be later to win

For the times they are a-changin’

Come students, teachers

Please heed the call

Don’t stand in the doorway

Don’t block up the hall

For he that gets hurt

Will be he who has stalled

There’s a battle outside and it is ragin’

It’ll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls

For the times they are a-changin’

Come zaide and booba

Throughout the land

And don’t criticize

What you can’t understand

Your sons and your daughters

Are beyond your command

Your old road is rapidly agin’

Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand

For the times they are a-changin’

The line it is drawn

The curse it is cast

The slow one now

Will later be fast

As the present now

Will later be past

The order is rapidly fadin’

And the first one now will later be last

For the times they are a-changin’

I understand this is dangerous ground, nevertheless if halacha does not continue to grow and adapt many of the youth will become disenfranchised and fail to see the beauty of Judaism. 

Please tell me he is a Sex Offender or at least an Embezzler

Last week a former member of Shas, Haim Amsalem became a persona non grata in the Haredi world.

 

Amsalem stated that “Israeli society agreed back in [David] Ben-Gurion’s time to the ‘Torah is his faith’ exemption from IDF service for 400 Torah scholars. They [secular Israelis] never thought or dreamed the numbers would reach today’s enormous quantity that’s gone beyond all proportions. They say we have become a burden on them? The truth is we have become a burden on ourselves. We’ve abandoned the field and let them disparage us, and call our students ignoramuses. We’ve made them hate the Torah.”

He furthered his point by emphasising that “study in a kollel is not a goal, but merely a means of training the next generation of rabbis and scholars. Whoever isn’t built for this, it’s a waste of his time. Earning a living for himself and his family is more important than anything else.”

Since making these remarks the Haredi world has not only disassociated themselves with Amsalem but labelled him as a ‘ben Amalek’, ‘roshoh’  and  destroyed his children’s chances of marrying within the Haredi community.

When I heard that Haim Amsalem had been admonished by his community who also happen to be Jews, I thought that he had committed severe sex offences, embezzlement or fraud. It breaks my heart to see a man’s communal life destroyed by speaking the truth. It is beyond me how Jerry Yechiel Brauner and other Haredi sex offenders have not been castigated by the community, yet a man who speaks his mind is destroyed. Why do the Haredim commemorate Tisha b’Av if this is the way they behave? Weren’t the Betai Mikdash destroyed because of sinat chinam?

(Haim Amsalem, if you have any daughters please put them in touch with me. I am 22, Modern Orthodox, obviously my life is more complex but I will explain in our future correspondence)

A satirical piece about the Haredi world or is it based solely on fact?

Circumcise or Circumvent?

Recently, there has been talk to outlaw circumcision in San Francisco. The initiative would make it a misdemeanour to "circumcise, excise, cut or mutilate the...genitals" of all minors, and would not make exceptions for religious reasons.

Many Jews are outraged by such a measure. They are protesting against this proposal by pointing to the anti-Semitic nature of this proposition. However, the legislature claims that this ban intends to reduce cases of pedophilia. In response, the Jews have stopped procreating. White supremacists are rejoicing, however the government is now convinced that the Global Financial Crisis is bound to continue. Moreover, it has been suggested that Ivy-League collages will be at 40% capacity in 20 years if the Jewish birthday rate does not increase.

Recently, the Gedolai Hador have issued halachic rulings stating that women must be on birth control. Some women are taking two pills a day and their husbands three in order to fulfill HaRav HaGaon HaChossid HaTomin HaYoshor Rav Meir Yitzchok HaLevi Neiglewasser’s chumrah. Health professionals are deeply concerned.

May I have an iPad?

Definition: Schnorrer (שנאָרער; also spelled shnorrer) is a Yiddish term meaning ‘begger’. The word Schnorrer also describes a person who frequently asks for little things like cigarettes or little sums of money, without offering a return.

I have no doubt that they are good people. People who want to provide for their family, community and yeshivos. However, they continually frustrate me. This is not because I refuse to give them money or that they refuse to speak to my mother, who raised beautiful, dedicated yidden, but rather because they do not understand the Modern Orthodox world.

Let me explain to you the typical week of a schnorrer who comes from overseas to Australia.

Day 1: Typically a Thursday. Settle in. Receive the list of the massive donors. Their palms become sweaty and cheeks flush due to the excitement of a lot of money in a short space of time. Who said money never comes easy?

Day 2: Collection of the big bucks.

Shabbos Kodesh: Speaks for itself.

Day 3: Sunday: The Modern Orthodox ‘donors’. The Mistake. If these schnorrers understood the Modern Orthodox world, they would understand that failure is inevitable on a Sunday. Lets take a step back. Saturday night: drinking, clubbing, bed at 4am. We are not going to be functioning at 9am! Schnorrers please stay away. My ears are ringing and the last thing I want is to hear a doorbell and behind the door a guy who vaguely looks like Gandalf.

The Charedi Failure

Over the past few days there has been much animosity in the comments towards my blog. If these comments were written by a genuine charedi who values torah and mitzvot, I am truly shocked and appalled. In fact, devastated that a man of God can speak in a manner which is simply not appropriate and constitutes the breaking of halacha. For all you charedim stratching your heads and wondering what I am referring to, it is the idea of speaking with carefully chosen words and making sure that the subject matter is suitable. It is known as nivul peah. The fact that you write in such an aggressive manner is beyond words and to even go as far as placing a pulsa denura on me, my family and neighbours is terrible and worthy of excommunication.

After much thought and consideration I believe that I have found a potential reason for the aggressive manner shown by this charedi. It is not this poor charedi's fault for writing in this manner, halachicly he is consider a tinok shenishba, a Talmudic term that refers to an individual who sins inadvertently as a result of having been raised without an appreciation for the rules of Judaism, rather, it is the structure of charedi society which caused this hatred.

Fear is one of the many things which causes man, in the universal sense, to act. Look at today's society. Fear is what causes us to look at Muslims with a disapproving eye. Fear is what is keeping Guantanamo bay open. Fear is a multi-million dollar industry. Look around, private security groups exist in every sector of society. Why? To protect us from the unknown and the other who we view wants to inflict pain on us and make our society impure.

Fear is also what keeps the charedi society in tact. To their credit, it has been successful. However, is that really the best way to life? Is that really what God wants? I cannot answer this, but when I study the talmud and works of Ramban and Rambam I find it hard to believe that a restrictive world with little free thought is what God wanted. God wanted people to love His torah and mitzvot through one's ability and intellect, not primarily through fear.

It is easy to have ignorant followers following through fear. Teaching that all is bad and evil, and cannot be embraced unless approved by a godol. Openness and intellectual thought, discussion and argument is what ultimately gives a Jew an appreciation for torah and mitzvot.

Why insult when you can argue? This is a blog which attempts to shed light on religious issues. You may disagree with me, but to steep as low as to insult me, my family and friends is beyond belief.

I would like the authors of the aggressive comments below to ask their rabbis what they think of the language they implemented in the vicious attack on me and my blog.

Pamela Anderson and the charedi photo-shoot

Recently, Pamela Anderson wrote a letter to a number of charedi MK’s in support of a ban on fur garments, mainly targeted at the shtreimel industry. Ms Anderson admitted that she is writing from purely a fashion standpoint. In a candid interview with Rabbi Yitzchok Meir Senderson, Pamela admitted that she has never liked men with hairy chests, facial hair or side burns. What bothers me the most is what Senderson was doing in a room with only Pamela and interview materials, whatever they may be. Rabbi Senderson is currently denying that he had any knowledge that she starred in the TV show ‘Baywatch’.

Ms. Anderson is scheduled to have a meeting regarding this matter in the coming days. Ms. Anderson will be meeting with the leadership of the charedi movement as 'women' have not been acknowledged as an official species, consequently allowing men and ‘women’ to be in the same room together. This halachik loophole was found by some of the biggest rabbis of our generation.

When I approached an educator in the charedi community regarding how the charedi community interprets the seemingly ‘female’ characters in the chumash, for instance, Rachel, he responded that some characters and stories were placed in the chumash to test our belief in God, even though they may not be completely truthful.

UPDATE: The above photo is what Ms Anderson was spotted wearing in Mea Shearim hours before the meeting. She was praised for her simple yet elegant shapeless black dress. 

 

Who doesn't like Mr Men?

Everyone loves the Mr Men series of books by Roger Hargreaves, so much so that the charedim have begun publishing suitable Mr Men books for their own community. The Charedi Foreign Service to the Outside World (CFSOW) announced that Mr Men books are now acceptable to read if they have the Kosher V'yosher hechsher symbol, however, if they contain the Kosher Australia symbol they are not acceptable and must be put in charem, along with Rambam's Moreh Nevuchim.

When I approached the charedi foreign minister regarding why these new publications were acceptable, he responded that these books would contain no depictions of females. Moreover, the 'Little Miss' series will no longer be published for it advocates pritzus or any books which denote bad middos, for instance 'Mr Angry'.

What I am most shocked about is that the charedim are willing to publish a book without a haskomoh, an ‘approval’ from a godal hador, a leader of our generation. Maybe the charedi world is finally moving forward.

For those who appreciate the show Mad Men and Mr Men books, this may not preclude charedim, may want to check out the new Mr Draper book, a new series from Mr Men…http://www.thepoke.co.uk/index.php/2010/10/26/mad-men-mr-men/

Landscape Stupidity

I ordered a book online and it arrived this morning. I ran downstairs eagerly, I ripped open the package and this is what I saw. 

It looked perfect, a cheap publication of an old classic. However when I opened it, this is what I saw. I was shocked and appalled. It has to be the dumbest thing I have ever experienced. Just last week a girl in my tutorial at uni asked "is the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Rome or Pisa?" This was worse. Let's take a look at what I saw...

A book in landscape! Useless. On the first page there was an explanation, "the patent pending landscape reading format...gives you the freedom to lie in any comfortable position and hold or rest your book in a way that best suits your preference...curl your body around it. Cradle it in your hands, and your...in complete comfort..." 

I do not think anyone ever struggled reading a normal book, i manage to "...lie in any comfortable position and hold or rest your book in a way that best suits your preference...curl your body around it. Cradle it in your hands, and your...in complete comfort..." Additionally, it sounds really sexual. "...lie in any comfortable position and hold or rest...in a way that best suits your preference...curl your body around it. Cradle it in your hands, and your...in complete comfort..."

This new concept of publishing in landscape is a complete breach of tradition. It has been argued that it is worse than ebooks, kindles and the like. 

Jews love religious articles

We love talking about religion. Not only speaking about it but also showing our friends the new chanukiah we received, the Kiddush cup and the tallit with sparkly silver along the top, moreover, we love receiving new kippot. I can tell you that I am very proud of my collection.

It is interesting to note that charedim started out by wearing kippot srugot, however, as time progressed they became more and more introverted, in other words, scared of women, consequently, leading to a closed society throwing stones and acid at scantily clad women…by scantily clad women, I mean Modern Orthodox girls. 

We also love Sukkot. Choosing the biggest lulav, the juiciest etrog the most machmir Succa. Simply, Jews love it. So much so that some Jews do not eat or drink anything outside of the Succa. I was never that frum.

However, we hate physical labour, not only physical labour but also anything which demands some effort without any academic or immediate reward or gratification.

Since Jewish women were emancipated the kippah industry has suffered…or at least until now.

A side note: fair enough! Why should girls crochet kippot when we don’t do much back. Apparently, we do not even ask girls out in this community. That’s why we have sherut girls; to ask out or just for the kippah – whatever does it for you.

Palestinian women have now joined the ranks of non-Jewish Succa builders, they are making one of the most obvious symbols of Jewishness - the kippah.

"There are over 100 women in our village alone," says Mrs Abdul Radwan. We make around 1,000 kippot a week."

"We have some kippot made by Palestinians," says Itzik Sheler, a little sheepishly, who works at the Kippa Man store on the market's main street. They are not as cheap as the Chinese-made ones, but they are cheaper than those made by Israelis."

All this comes to reiterate my point. Jews hate physical labour, or anything really, which has no immediate results, yet, we love our Judaica and were bloody proud Jews…this is all true unless you’re a settler - they struggled to restrain themselves during the 10 month freeze. 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall…

In a number of religious communities in Melbourne it is common that a university student or another member of the congregation gives over a dvar torah during davening over shabbat and during the week. Recently, after a series of meetings conducted by COSV (Council of Orthodox Synagogues) it has been decided that it is best if the presenter reads or speaks Hebrew, he should do so with an ashkenasis accent.

There has been outcry over this decision simply because of the difficulty changing from our regular daily lives – jeans and a tee – to reading like a haredi. It has been said that the way we dress impacts on the type of people we are. I never agreed with that until COSV passed this ruling and as we all know we cannot question anything rabbis say. Apparently it’s a halacha, something called daas torah, yet, I am still trying to find the base of this ‘halacha’. 

I took the liberty of approaching the rabbis on this issue. I can understand why they ask religious Jews to refrain from touching the opposite sex, nevertheless, I believed that changing to an ashkenasis accent was unacceptable and the antithesis of Modern Orthodox theology and thought.

In truth I understood that it was not the antithesis of Modern Orthodox thought, however, something needed to be done.

After much discussion and argument with a certain rabbi who will remain nameless, lets call him Rabbi X, admitted that Judaism is unquestionably about image and the outward manifestations of Judaism. He furthered this point by posing a rhetorical question which I will quote here, “why do you think I’m shomer shabbos?”

Rabbi X claimed that he had always wanted to achieve respect and acknowledgment in the haredi community. He told me that currently the Haredim thought he was a joke and that they called him Modern Fauxadox.

Rabbi X thought that by changing the accent when teaching words of Torah it would change the haredi perception. Sadly it has.  

Please God make me a secret agent

I really do enjoy the legitimate fluidity of halacha within the Modern Orthodox world. I find it fascinating how halacha adapts to the human condition and to a certain degree also takes emotion into account. However, there still is a long way to go. In Modern Orthodox yeshivot and midrashoth rabbis believe platonic friendships do not exist and that single girls are the physical manifestation of the devil.

It is interesting to note that while in these institutions relationships and friendship are mostly disapproved of, however, once one has left, yichud and shomer negia are no longer issues and kashrut is back in fashion and the talk of the town.  It is probably the single most discussed issue at the moment.

I have always wanted to be a secret agent. For a while as a child I was seriously considering becoming an astronaut, but I decided against it. I do not want to take the risk of starting a family in space. It is simply too restrictive, not to mention the issues with Shabbat and kashrut!

All boys have looked at the life of James Bond and Wolfgang Lotz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfgang_Lotz, there’s also a book published about his life and exploits) and fantasised about the fast cars, the women and the licence to kill. I am sure that a secret agent’s life is not that adventurous, however, rabbis in Israel have permitted secret agents to have sex with a terrorist for operational purposes! Rabbi Shvat, the author of this study, wrote that “not only is it permissible but the sages raise that action of devotion to the top of the pyramid of halachic priorities as the most important mitzvah of all.” Incredible! There is no doubt that we are living in messianic times.

I cannot imagine the Haredim joining the Mossad yet, but it’s a start. The rabbis will come round.

Below is an application for a job with the Mossad.

https://www.mossad.gov.il/Eng/recruit/Register/PersonalDetails.aspx

Below is the study on Ynet.

http://www.ynet.co.il/english/articles/0,7340,L-3963762,00.html

Mixed seating at weddings is frowned upon but having sex for the sake of national security. Sign me up. 

The Burqa Ban

Last month France’s Senate passed the burqa ban which is due to come into force next year. President Nicolas Sarkozy’s government promoted the law as a means to protect women from being forced to wear Muslim full-face veils such as the burqa or the niqab.

Australia is following suit.

Australia is setting the foundations to pass legislation banning synagogues from separating men and women during prayers. Furthermore, they are legally enforcing equality in regard to everything religious. You will now hear beautiful women’s voices emanating from the former men’s section. Julia Gillard announced that this new legislation is a means to protect women from being forced or relegated to the darker and dingier parts of the synagogue. As well as preventing men from subduing women, their ideas and voices. The Jewish community asked Miss Gillard if she was willing to negotiate. Unfortunately, she did not understand what the Jewish community asked for. 

a bit of an intro

Good morning and good evening to all my worldwide readers...on second thoughts I think that is a bit ambitious. Currently I am writing this for no-one. Let's see how long it takes for people to read, comment and hopefully guest post. Deep down, everyone wants to make fun of communal and social norms and I am creating the perfect, safe and fun opportunity to do so.

You are probably thinking what a clever title for a blog. It's catchy, 'communal satire group' and it can be summed up by saying that your reading the CSG blog. People with egos will have the same reaction, "I am so impressed, in dire times like these with terrorists roaming the streets of Caulfield, I now feel safer being able to read about CSG's exploits in the field of counter terrorism." If you expect that response leave the blog now, I would not want to rupture your ego. If I still have a readership keep reading.

This blog was founded as a means to satirise and simply make fun of communal norms.

Listed below are some of my many goals and missions for the upcoming year.

1. Convince synagogues in the area to pay upwards of $1 million a year to fund an orthodox fire brigade. We would operate within the confines of halacha. That includes, only married fire-men. It is our policy to avoid at all costs non married men touching single girls during a rescue operation (known as an op.). This is a blatant disregard of halacha which can be avoided. Also, we will not be working shabbat and yomtov due to driving and touching things which are deemed mukzah. I will be posting a business plan in the next few weeks.

2. Getting my gun license so I can protect myself for the 150 meters from my home until I arrive in the vision of the CSG counter-terrorism team.

Also, on occasion I will write something on politics, history and the like.